I’m just trying to find myself again and it seems quite hard considering I feel/am nothing at the moment.
Here it goes…
I filled all my financial paper work last night which is fine since tuition isn’t due till when I start school but there’s this thing called a parent plus loan that I have to file with the school but my mom doesn’t want to put her name and neither does my dad. They don’t want to get into debt and I understand but I either have to file that or get a personal loan from my bank which is also fine but since I neglected it to long and was too stressed out to deal… Idk if I’ll be able to get a loan now. I talked to my financial advisor and now everything is due the minute I move into my loft. I literally had a meltdown at work and cried in the bathroom. On top of everything, my friends and well as of tomorrow, my ex coworkers all knew that I was going of to art school and moving away and they even planned a party too. Like… I wish so much it was different and that yes, I am going off to college but a part of me put it off because I didn’t want to deal and I was stressed with my home life situation as well as being at where I use to work… Idk what to do right now
I don’t wanna be that person he texts or calls when he’s up in the middle of the night fucked on whatever he’s doing. I use to love the idea that I’m the person he thinks of late in the night but I haven’t been his in a very long time. I don’t want to be held onto because I know if he keeps coming back… If he keeps beckoning for love again… my strength to let go will dwindle and I’ll bring him back into my life as easily as the day turns into night.
I really hate that some people on sound cloud have to have you like their Facebook page in order for you to download for free their music. So my dumb ass decides to reactivate my account so that I can do that.. well as my news feed comes up, i had some notifications from people that i made my favorites (which btw, after not using FB for a long time, I realize how much it has changed and how glad I am that I had delete in the first place)… well, awesome enough, my ex newsfeed comes up notifying me that he had posted some shit and look-y there… Our fucking picture displayed with the caption “good friend from cali”… I HAVE A MILLION FUCKING QUESTIONS RUNNING THROUGH MY MIND AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE.
I just want to talk to you. You are the first person I think about in the morning and the last that I think about before I go to bed. I’ve never felt this way for anyone in my life. I’ve never felt so close and wanting you and wanting to be with you… I just can’t help it. I don’t understand why I feel this way. You crushed it all and gave up. Many heartbreaks later and I still wanna be with you. After all this, I still want to be with you.
I’m overwhelmed. Idk if I can even do these summer online classes I’m taking. I so desperately wanna tell my mom that I don’t want to take summer classes but that wouldn’t help me at all. I’m doing “preliminary” classes before my actual classes for my major. Idk I can stick to this. Idk if I really want to do this. Can’t I just win the lottery and not do anything but the things I like? That would be too easy of a life, huh? Words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated right now😔